Have you ever explored the concept of hypocrisy where you feel everyone around you could be giving you false statement even your close friends. They do it because of the pressure of the society and trying to preserve their good image.

It is like watching House. He thinks every one is lying just to hide the horrible truth.

Someone i know thinks people like to lie and always telling me that i shouldn’t believe things so easily. Our conversation always goes like this.

Me: That guy i know in uni is quite nice. He always talk to me. He is very friendly.
Someone: Are you sure he is that nice? Maybe he is just interested in you.
Me: No la, he has a girlfriend already.
Someone: How sure can you be. Maybe he lied to you so that he can get closer to you when you are off guard.
Me: =.=

Or another conversation

Me: People say pre-marital sex is wrong.
Someone: Yea it is wrong to the society. But the people who said it are the people who are doing it. They just hide it from the people.
Me: Really? How would you know?
Someone: The society is like that. They are hypocrites.
Me: So they lie about almost everything?
Someone: Yea, and you wouldn’t know, even if he/she is your best friend.
Me: …..

Isn’t it interesting or its just another lie to make life seems interesting?

Me: Kennysia from kennysia.com seem to be very free although he is working. He would do so many things just to prepare a post.
Someone: Because he earns alot from his blog that is why he put so much effort?
Me: But he told his readers that he don’t earn much.
Someone: You actually believe what he writes?
Me: Yea why not?
Someone: Most of his post are sponsored by people. He earns alot from it. Char you are so gullible.
Me: =.=

Oh yea, my mom sent me an email few days ago about MJ’s death. In the email, it stated that the current MJ who died was an imposter of the real MJ. And the real MJ died bout 20 years ago. This explains the weird behaviour of MJ for the past few years.

Haha. Really nice story but i find it hard to believe. What do you think?

Actually sometime after being stuck in the house for a long time thinking that the house is the safest place on earth, leaving the house for an evening for a fun filled activity filled with kids irritating me can be a liberating feeling.

I am char.

And i don’t like kids because i don’t know how to interact with them and i treat them like adults or at least same age as me because they use pity to gain what they want.

I think i have hurt more kids than i have eaten rice for the past one year.

Anyway it is always like the kid make use of me so badly that i start to cry, then some one tell me to stop him, then i said “stop!” then the kid stopped, and give me ‘wanna cry’ face, then i look like a cruel person. Then people boo me. something like that.

Then i get the bad character in the fairy tale story when i was supposed to be the princess.

But in the end i just turned out to be the maid picking up balloons and tying them up together and run like a mad girl to make the balloons fly.

in chinese ( i take canto for example) we count like this.
yat, yee, sam, sei, bla bla bla

okay?

but then why only for number 2 (yee/er) we have to say ‘leong/ liang’ when we wanna pick two things etc. why not yee? since other numbers we use the same word as the basic number. why must they modify the two for other usage but not modifying the others? 

get it?

so why?

Last night i slept at 2am. Before i slept i felt pretty calm and peaceful. But just incase i have problems sleeping again, so i took the mantra book and read one time. Though it made no sense to me, i still did it coz char said its pretty peaceful and it does make things feel better. so i read it. I guess i slept well but still woke up at 5 thinking it ws time to go to class or get some work done. So i continued sleeping.

I hate to worry. It makes my day bad. I don’t like to feel anxious, nervous, stressed or tension, because it brings me near to feeling afraid. I dunno why am i so afraid but i am. I am afraid of everything. And this leads to everything i do. I wont say i’m a person who avoids my fear, but given a chance who wouldn’t want to avoid it. I don’t know why but i don’t like almost eveyrone around me. What ever people do, i just feel so negative about them. Hmmm… once again, life sucks. When i dun like the people around me and i feel fear all the time, how am i suppose to live my life. i Dun wish to die yet because i dun see any satisfaction in it too. 

i just want to turn my world around and just be a happy girl.  i dun care if people areound me are feling miserable, i dun care if someone is hurt, i dun care if you need help because i think i am the one who needs help now. when someone is unhappy all the time, dun you think thers a big problem some where? dun come to me and ask if things are alright because obviously things arent. i dun take advices unless you really knwo wat are you talking about, dun crap because yout hink you need to crap because i wont like you even more. sometimes silence works much better than talking rubbish. and listen to me properly before you talk because talking things which are out of teh topic which are irrelevent to wat i feel makes me feel even worst because im listnening to a story teller and not some one who really wants to help me. so talk to the mirror if you wan to tell me stories.

so teh answer is, i will answer im okay if you ask me if im ok or not because i dun want to elaborate and dramatize my life eventhough i feel there is a need to do so because i feel so unheard of. despite the things which i thought i did was significance but no it wasnt i guess. maybe its because after all teh big hoohaa of my deeds i just stood there and waited for a respond so im weird. the fact that ive been writing about the same stuff over and over again proves taht im weird already so im going to continue anyway.

i dun like educators. espcially female ones. i guess they feel so noble about it that they got so cocky and all. you see this is wat i do. i critisize abotu evrything. anyways, they feel so noble about teaching they expect students to do something in return. shouldn’t youa ll just etach for the love of teaching. why ae you denying stupid students when they are stupid and not giving you the right marks. who are you to judge if they didnt study because you werent there to see. why must you put stars on the name list to indicate promising students. how noble can you be when you decrease your not so promising students confidence. maybe they are already at the lowest stage of their teenage life, and the last thing they would want to hear is not being the one you can put your on hopes on. the next day teh student will commit suicide. why must you all expect from your students. why is there a need to exepct something in return. didnt you read all thsoe forwarded emails that its is more meaningful to give than to take?  its all everywhere in my email inbox.  you all should have my email account then. im not talking about thsoe iron fisted lady teachers because since tehy are like that i dun mind. i dun like those nice looking on the out side who show a motherly figure and all. its so deceiving. im so full of rage… i dun like to feel rage its tiring and i cant do much wif it. but its hard to control it. but no one i could talk about it coz everyone is so hypocritical lately. for those who arent, they dun really get waht i mean so i dun bother telling them. and i keep repeating my feelings coz i dun feel people are feeling it. you know juts like to political stuff when u are mad, juts that for me its the social thingy. i dun really botehr about politics. why complain when you know its like that, you ahve to deal wif it la. you already know teh government will always find tehir ways to do tehir stuff so no matter wat yousay u will nv win them, so why bother getting so mad over it. juts get mad but not get too mad. and live wit it coz life is like that. you dun like it then move to anotehr palce but you will still encounter similar stuff.

it is kind of weird that now i am having my holidays but i am always so so SO tired.

It is my second week of holiday, next week will be my third and last week of my holiday which i don’t want it to end because i haven’t rest enough and rejuvanate for my new semester. So i am tired.

Why am i so tired? Well, first it, most of the weekdays i go out. Go out with bf because so seldom can spend time with bf, i only have 3 weeks with him then after that can’t see him for so many months after that, so i wanna spend as much time with him.

Then besides going out with him i have to do house chores because we don’t have a maid, so since i am having my holidays, i become the maid. Wash clothes, hang clothes, iron clothes, wash dishes, throw rubbish, take in the clothes, boil water, then my house really got so many ants i am always wiping here and there just to chase them away. If you think like what is so hard washing clothes right, well i am doing 5 persons clothes, not one.

You know ma, 5 person clothes is alot especially when we frequently change our under wear, so its really a tiring work to hang and dry the underwear. They are small and troublesome. Then right, i got no time to wipe floor because i got no time, so it will only be wiped on the weekends, so right, my feets right, is black black colour. then right, dee’s bf always complain my feet black black so he very fussy when i play on his bed because my feet is black. not black but grey. Then yesterday i saw many dead ants sticking on my grey feet because i stepped on the trail of ants without knowing it .

lazying around or lying on the sofa and watch tv is kind of rare during this holidays lo. so i feel tired.

Having a maid is really fun. And a good hearty meal.

Wow. After reading one of my favourite blog, i felt it was time to say a few things here. Nothing about the poasts i’ve read but it’s time to update my blog. This andrew ho guy is not related to me but i feel so fascinated with his vocab, its so wide bt he claimed that he’s english isn’t that good, or i read wrongly? I’m not too sure about that. Maybe. One thing is that he tends to talk about a little of this and that and surprisingly for the politics bits, i can understand what he tries to say! Because normally i don’t get a single meaning from those political inclined blogs so i don’t like reading them. Hmmm.. and i don’t read news papers anymore because it’s not fun with all the disasters happening and unhappiness of people of wanting to be heard and all. It’s time to except that we don’t get heard and we live with it lar. haha. whatever. why get so angry with all the negative energy. Why keep talking about not using plastic bags when we still use it anyway.

Okay what’s the situation here. You see, char is an environtmentalis in a way. But she stopped being that at the moment ebcause situation changes from time to time. we ran out of maid lately, so we are lacking of plastic bags to thorw rubbish. So lately i’ve been buying stuff and still except plastic bags despite it’s just a piece of bread which i will be eating instantly on the spot so the bag is relaly for no use. but ill bring it around to use it as my tissue paper bag coz ive been having flu lately. then once i get home ill be using it to pack the rubbish too. so screw using rubbish bag at the moment coz we need it. lalala~ lately and lately and lately.

Funny thing you know, i go to an art college but i look forwad to their motivational talk. i don’t need them but i’d like to always think that they are wrong and they are just being one sided. haha. am i in the wrong place? xD My life sucks at the moment coz i’m not happy in all sorts of ways. So ebing negative is what i do. feeding my soul with answers i want. Design is nice but it’s not that nice. im too broing for design but im still going to do it anyways, so boring people will like my boring ideas. at least i still have a market out side. there’s always a market for something, just that peopl tend to focus on the majority.

Oh ya.. cant wait to major. next semester ill be majoring. not to say im looking forward to it but in a way yarh. coz i guess i will feel happier. i ask dad when he was 20 did he experienced such pain in the brain where you feel liek you are experiencing mid life crisis but you are only 20. then he said life is not always happy. which i suddenly agree. then after that i cannot bombard him wif questions anymor coz he was rigth at that time. so em and char got stuck but still feeling unsatified coz we are so unhappy wif our life right now but we don’t feel liek dying. We acknowledge the bloody feeling and trying hard to counter it. it’s like a mathematics equation, the harder it gets the more you hate it but at teh same time you wanan kill it and victory will be ours! like that.

then we got back home and voila! new question! so what if life is always unhappy? how do we make unhappy life happy? that was the main question! haih im bored being an amature phisolopher. yarh it hink about these stuff all da tme and ometimes in the middle of my sleep lets say 3am i would just pop my eyes open and a lif qoute would go thru my mind. then i will tell my self to write it in my blog the next day but i forgot about it. my peak would be the 10 minutes before sleep. sometimes an hour.

oh ya. here is a set of font ive designed. not for viewing pleasuer but its an assigment. its a american bobtail cat style. nah take a look and see.

 okay i suck at print screen. at least you can see the main idea.

i cant imagine how can i be a graphic designer since im not good at these shortcuts and photoshp skills. i choose to blmae my lecturer coz i like to put the blame on people just to think i will feel better. so i blame my lecturer. coz he didnt spoon feed me like my alevels time. but i dont really understand how photoshop works loh. why so many layers. why cant just i copy and paste? why cant the colour be white by juts putting white colour on it? alot of things i did i didn’t knwo why i did that for. no meaning. so i like ilustrator. hee.

oh ya. whats wif people when you tell them that you dun understand? they will ask back “why dun you understand? what do you not undertsnad?” i dun undertsand evrything lar. then they will say “very easy one mar” so easy then you do loh. if so easy then why must i pay for lecturer to teach me woh. hor? i’m always right! haha. if i say i dun get it meaning i dun get it lar. why keep denying that i dun get it. for example i tell you to draw. and you cant. then i ask you why cant you draw? whihc part you cant draw? then of course u will say i just cant draw la! its teh same. so i wont force you to draw coz u dun understand how drawing works. my dad thinks science and some stuff is easy. but its not loh. when i say i dun understand chemistry he ask me why cant i understand. then i say i dun se the big pictre then he say why not. then is say co im stupid. hee

oh ya. it kinda sucks when you know that every where youu go you dun seem to be one of the good ones. like for me… im the only one majoring in advertising n my class lar. bt my lecturer commented ‘wah so many of you actually got future to major in ad such as names, names and names. but im not inside. i try nto to feel anything but if im nto feeling anything you cant see this in this post now~ so.. life sucks huh? xD nobody seem to see some future in me i dunno why. i mean my lecturers lar. you feel kinda demotivated but at the same time you dun feel much pressure. and it kees you humble. hmmm.. im not spectacular but im always in a field of people wantin to be spectacular. im getting very laid back in class now. dun really feel liek mixing around anymore coz everything is just going the opposite way. one guy is afraid of me coz im quiet in class but active in msn. so he’s scared. so go to mummy coz queit girl is scary. boo~

so naive la these people. haih… being wif them everyday is like… you think people are those people you see everyday? if i work partime cleaning houses you also wont know lar. hor? okay… time to go now. bye bye~ hope you all had a great time reading.

yay! and so now i am having my first nice solid break after my first sem in university! well, the first sem in uni wasn’t really tough but then like usual i stress for nothing. anyways! i dun wanna talk bout uni now. uni is kind of boring.

oh yea, i wanted to join clubs but then because of transportation problem, i can’t join any which is utterly and terribly sad because i miss my days is HELP Uni College where dee and me did so many things out side of the class room and that was when we met so many nice people!

we met people like clem clem, zhu lian, ivan, dawson, weng khye and so many more besides my buddy buddy classmates which made life in college really fun and funny!

but now in uni, life seems kind of boring because all i do in uni is just studying which is like so nerdy. very nerdy. almost so nerdy until people feel my intelligence which i find really confusing because i don’t think i have a big brain.

Bf always complain i think a lot about really minor things but when it comes to big things, i don’t really think about it.

which is.. true! because i like minor things because it is so minor. but big things is so big and comes with so much trouble and consumes lots of energy, it is not that fun to think of big things. just like i like to eat snacks more than full hearty and healthy meals. but i eat more good food than snacks.

oh yea talking bout that, i got dee and me Zentel to kill the worms in us because we are not fat girls, so we wanna be one. being plump is really cool because we become very huggable. then everyone in this world would want to hug us when they need love. then we will sort of become a happy land to people who are in emotional need.

be happy and be well people!

My assignments are piling up in a way even though i clear them everyday. It’s kinda stupid. They say YOU WILL LOOSE YOUR PASSION FOR IT IF YOU PILE YOUR ASSIGNMENTS EVERYDAY! but the thing is i clear them eveyr day! But! they take such a long time to finihs that it’s similar to piling them up lar. and im not loosing the passion now here, its mroe like i draw until so sien~ So to let me have some life here, i’ve decided to slacken my self. How? Don’t need to put so much effort in one piece of drawing loh. That means i get a lower grade loh. haih… so sad… Hopefully they wont give me a C. B- is okay =) As long no C =)

Oh ya. What’s with the great breasts. For my figure drawing, i am starting to select reference whish are very provocative and sexy. It seems more exciting and not so boring. Especially after you finihs the drawing, you amaze your own self how sexy you can draw some body. it’s just way too cool. Hee

And my lecturers are guys too. So its natural for them to like a sexy pikcha. Not to say bias or what but its natural lar. SO in a while im drawing smart! you knwo how people say study smart? I’m drawing smart! Hee… Sure enough that day that sexy pikcha got selected to put in fron of class with some other people’s work too. so the lesson for today is draw sexy pikcha if you lecturer is a guy. But actually sexy ladies on paper give s a more syioking feeling to everyone, not only male. coz they are more elegent and if we are able to draw them right, they will turn out beatifully. But the hardest part for me was to draw the breast. I’ve seen my classmates drawing breasts and they were so fake looking. either too round or just not nice. The toning of it has to be just right! hee. That’s all i ahve to say about breasts. Hee.

Oh ya, just wondering if guys get horny while drawing all these sexy pikchas. coz coz they ahve to stare and stare and stare…. and they are 18! you know raging hormones you know?? yup… so i wonder~

I am actually starting to dislike some of my classes…. coz the lecturers keep asking the same old stuff and keep saying the same old thing. Like “who’s going to AD?” (then ill be the only one wif my hand up) Then they’ll go “so few only??” then ill go =.=. then they’ll say “so iwont be seeing you all anymore?” then i go =.=. then they say “for thoese who are going, you will be in hell, so be prepared” SO SO SO NOT ENCOURAGING AT ALL LOH. DAH LA IM ALREADY THE ONLY PERSON FROM MY CLASSES DOING THAT COURSE, AND ALL THE WORDS I EVER HEAR IS HOW BAD IT WILL GET LOH. LIKE IM THE ONLY ONE GOING TO HELL. ISH… SO STUPID SO STUPID. I DUN LIKE AD PEOPLE I DUN LIKE! THEY HAVE SOME KIND OF MENTALLY WHIHC I DUN LIKE. IT’S CALLED THE NEVER ENDING DRIVING FORCE. SHEEEEEEEEESH. yuck yuck. but that’s the only suitable course for me =( other’s are just too extreme for me… so how you tell me how… i am enjoying wat i am learning now but i don’t look forward to the future.. there’s no life in it =( i know there wont be life in it actually but but but i still wanna go… maybe hoping that i will some how put some life in it but i doubt it… coz the world is so screwed up. we all should die in 2012. really… coz everyone is so screwed up…

it’s like everytihg is going bad. wanna do good also cant do bad also cant. so what to do lar. stay home every day so that we wont get infected by this that disease. then study hard so that next time CAN EARN BIG MONEY. like all we ever know is that. and everyone knows thats a screwed up fact. so screwed up that everyone thinks its okay. some dont even know that its not okay. thats more screwed up. then if study so hard then people will say YOU NO LIFE GO GET A LIFE LAR. then wat do you do? then you go find for stuff to do… then lecturer scold you coz you take your studies for granted and go play. then of course here comes the time management thingy… but i dun think there still is such a thing loh. coz everything is so screwed up again. the end. we are all stucked in a screwed up world. too bad.

” Do you like compassion?”

” Nope ”

” It’s makes me feel bad… ”

As i was cleaning up the porridge mama cooked last week, i poured the porridge into the great longkang and a kitty meowed at me. It was hungry. Unlike the black cat, it wasn’t irritating. So i stared at it as i poured the porridge into the long kang. I felt bad because i had no food to give to it but at the same time i have chicken porridge in my hands and at teh same time im throwing them away. I was in a trance, throwing food away as usual and my hand could not coordinate with my brain. I WANT TO FEED THE CAT! but my hands were doing the opposite. Until the last bite i suddenly scraped the last few meat of the pot and left on the stairs for the kitty.

Compassion… In these bad times, compassion doesn’t give us good karma, they will send us to a place where we count our karma instead. It’s hard to live in these days where we don’t act according to what we want and how we feel. Life seem more meaningless as i live my life day after day. There was once i was in Mac D and a lady came up to me to ask for money. What was i suppose to do? She said she didn’t eat for a few days already. To believe or to not believe wasn’t an issue here. Because it simply didn’t matter to me. What went through my head that time was, How exactly will i be judge based on what i do? It’s stupid loh. Because it’s just a little incident and yet so manyt hings went through my mind. In the end i just gave her Rm 5 and off she went. Later in the day i told Leo and he scolded me for giving her money. You see what i mean? It’s actually nothing to me but he said what i did was wrong.

Then about the kitten and people. i chose to ignore people or anything living when they come near me because i was thought to do so since young. So, no matter it’s real or not, i will always ignore them without realizing what i am doing. it’s a reflex. I don’t blame anyone because times are so bad that i was raised this way. Leo would always ask me why do i have the heart to ignore people xD Then i would always answer, i got used to it already i hardly realize it. And what i choose to do, it is always about me. When the lady came up to me, i wasn’t really bothered by her lack of food situation. I was more borthered by her being there disturbing my privacy. In a way i feel disappointed with my self.

Hmmm.. yesterday i found a book in my brother’s room. Tuesdays with Morrie. I saw this book in alot of the book shops. Top 10 best sellers. But i never tried reading it. Until yesterday. Since it was not too heavy, i took it and started reading it. I spent teh whoel day reading and it is a really good book! Very philosiphical and alot of ways how to live our life. Then there i was again stuck between reality and the true way to live our lifes…

It seems most of the patients in the mental hospital which morrie worked at was from rich families. And most people chase dreams like its their life goals but in the end it’s still not getting what they want. I know what i want. In fact i always tell people i just want to open a shop and juts earn enough and enjoy life. But at the same time i knwo i’m just being naive and teenagers think of enjoying life. Hmmm…i really don’t know… because i don’t see what’s teh point of studying so hard until so stressful some times we feel like dying and then moving to a higher level where we will work even harder and it gets harder and harder. then mama will say In the end you will get to earn alot of money and your work load will get lesser. But what do i see now? I see mama and papa coming home late and their work load dun seem to get less. They get stressed up and making their body suffer more.

There was once morrie heard some school kids chanting WE ARE NUMBER ONE! WE ARE NUMBER ONE! then we got up and yeld WHATS WRONG WITH BEING NUMBER TWO? i really don’t find it wrong or bad to be number two. My lang and Com Skills Lecturer once said WE MUST ALWAYS TRY TO BE THE BEST. but what’s the point lar. after one achievement then comes anotehr achievement and soon you’ll be competing with the world’s achievers trying to get the most achievements. I never like lectureres. The more i face them the more i dislike them. Because they are instilling the wrong ideas. Why must there always be expectations. To improve your self can be done in other ways, it doens’t have to be getting acheivements. It’s the journey of the soul and experience which helps build someone.

” To learn to die, teaches you how to live ” Every little thing that makes life wonderful, we tend to always miss them out. I hate studying is because I missed out spending time with my family, watching tv with them or together we clean the house. Cleaning teh house togetehr with char is the best! I miss playing with char. Now we spent more time together as compared to last time. Because we feel that the further we go, the more thingg we face, we realized we are still the same… So morrie was saying all the little things we take for granted are actually the things that make our life meaningful. Like enjoying the sight and the weather or each other’s company. Or stroling down the street sipping coffee xD i hate to hear when students skipped their sleep just to study. What’s the point of doing something when you are not able to live your life properly. It’s actually doing something that is killing you instead. No matter how hard i study, i will never skip my sleep. It’s pointless to face a new day with dead brain. Just to get an A for it. It’s stupid and i mean it.

So basicly, The Culture we are facing is what you are living. The Best, The Greatest, The More The Better, the list goes on… i want to paint my own empty white cloth and i don’t want others to help paint mine =)

I skipped my discovery channels and nat geo after browsing through my movie channels. Then off i go to 701 and 702 then to 711 then hoping that there would be some parental control on MTv. But nope, nothing much. Nat geo would be boring eventhough it’s a fun channel to watch but all i want is a good movie at home to sit back and chill~ Then discovery they have too much myth busters going on until it stopped busting my boredom already.

flower candles from cambodia

But of course i still did manage to catch some nice movies at home. Like today i watched True Colours. It has art in it! And surprisingly i found some good tips tooo. I cant remember them now, they disappeared in my brain for a while. But they will come back to me soon. I found out that colours on my palate should be placed at the same spot! the reason i cant recall but i did remember agreeing to it! Then then i learnt some people over interprate art works too. Over exagerating an art piece. Then i also learnt that art shouldn’t be so philosiphical, it should be understandable by all walks of life. As long as it is nice to see~ Oh ya, the actor inside, when he questioned those ‘artists’ he behaved like my art history lecturer xD scary scary. He’ll go “what’s your point?” then he’ll go “I’m lost now” because it was too complicating or too ridiculous xD not my lecturer but the actor but they were similar!

Oh ya.. our birthday was about a month ago! so excited! can’t wait! can’t wait! Erm erm on that day it self (it was a thursday) i spent my whole day doing assignments and char spent her whole day in uni. so we didnt celebrate together as how we used to. Then leo leo came over and help out to clean house. But later i got the newest DIDO CD and took money from his wallet and make it like he bought for me. He smiled. Then im not sure if mama gave us angpow or not but i think not this year. Papa and mama didn’t get anything for us this year. But kor kro bought me a Bamboo. For my design thingy. But now its in his room and he is using it coz i ahvent start using it yet. Hmmm.. what else… ooh ya… hee. Then the next day zhi, jun, and kee met up with us for lunch to celebrate. ZHi got us a uso mi muso no mise cheese cake. I can’t remember how is the anme like but its like that. char and i always sing the song of the name. so i remember the tune of it. then we took pikcha as a proove that we celebrated it. then then nothing much~ hee. But the best present i got is when kor kor drove back from coll to home to get my sketch book for me! hee!